Memoirs of a Single Mom

If everyone who works at Chase would all drop dead at the same time, the world would be a better place. Especially the guy who puts the APR % rates on the closed accounts for no reason!

Chase Bank, you can suck it! Assholes!

So there seems to be a predominance of scared "baby men" on Long Island. Sometimes I wonder if it's the water, or the air, or maybe some strange fumes they breathed in as a child. I, for the life of me have not been able to meet a REAL man in the past two years since I moved back to Long Island. I sometimes wonder if it's me, maybe I am the one who has the problem? I start to think about it and for some reason my conclusion to that theory has come up null. I have tried with all my heart and soul to be the best person I can be, to be grounded, happy and available for love. Love just hasn't found me at all. I used to be someone who always had a boyfriend and a long term relationship. I had one when I lived upstate. I met an abundance of wonderful and emotionally capable men when I lived in Utica. There were a few who came in and out of my life who were amazing...and I was the one who passed them up. I wasn't ready to get married to anyone yet, I was 24. I met Dan and I didn't even think of marriage with him until the end, when he told me he didn't ever think he could marry anyone. That's when the walls tumbled in on me and I felt at a loss. I felt like I had wasted so many years trying to find the right one, when I had passed up about 3 who were amazing and I could of been happy with. Maybe Long Island is the payback for that...maybe I lost my chance?

I still think deep down that there is one man out there waiting for me. One man who is capable of loving me and my son. A man who doesnt run at the idea of being with a carefree, funny, sexy, loving, responsible, career driven woman who is also a full-time parent to a little boy. Who wouldn't really want that? How can that not be appealing in any way? I would find my situation more appealing then the typical long Island girls that are out there. Money hungry, pre madonna leaches who want nothing more then a daddy to take care of them and their drama driven party animal lives. It's all material bullshit to them. Is that really that appealing? I am at a loss with that one.

Sometimes you feel like your efforts are futile. Why is it that people don't see the problem when it is blatantly in front of them? I want to do so much, but it seems I get thrown to the side and disregarded. I want to help...will people just let me in?

Here is a depiction by a really awesome "single dad" author about what it is like when his son leaves his house to spend the weekend with his mom. He hit the feeling dead on....

“Loneliness is part of the single parent journey,” Peter says. “We only have ourselves to depend on, seldom have anyone to touch us, and when our children are away we are forced to gaze upon toys and clothes that haunt us by their stillness; bedrooms that feel more mausoleum-like rather than a place of joy.”

These are samples of the tattoos I designed for myself. When I have the money I am going to get it on my upper back. Which one is the best??

So I am going to have to go down to the Suffolk County offices this Friday to apply for temporary assistance. I never thought I would have to do that, but it looks like I will not be able to make my $1645.00 rent payment again this month since I only have $1,500.00 in my checking account. I haven't even been able to get Nick's school supplies (which will cost apprx. $60.00 like last year) and new school clothes.

I never had this problem last year...I always kept my head above water. I have survived here on the island for 2 years with no handouts from anyone. My mom occasionally has given me a few dollars here and there, but now things are at their worst.

I won't be able to go grocery shopping this week, again. I feel like such a leach calling my mom up every night asking what she is doing for dinner because I know I have little to make here and no freakin' money to but food. I go to the store to buy the littlest things and they cost so much! My blood pressure medication is like $30.00 a month with health insurance. Nick and his webkinz obsession has taken it's toll also and I can only blame myself for that.

To top everything off, I got hit with some bill from the IRS telling me I owe them $860.00 from my 2007 taxes from when I was on unemployment. They are saying that the unemployment office gave me more money then I put on my taxes (load of shit!). Now I have to pay this bill by Sept. 9th or they are going to tack on a $50.00 fee for every month I don't pay it.

I tried to move out of this apt. in June....I was looking for a cheaper place. I gave my apartment complex a 30 day notice informing them of my move and that I was going to opt out of my two year lease. They told me that I was supposed to give them a 60 day notice and that I was basically screwed and couldn't move until my 2 year was up next June without paying a 3 month penalty. So I am stuck here for another year paying this insane rent.

I am not complaining about my apartment. I love it here and I feel safe here for Nick and I. I really wanted to enroll Nick is Karate this fall but now I don't even think I can afford that.

I have been playing the lottery and wasting my fuckin' money trying to get rich quick so I can pay my goddamn bills. That's a waste of money in itself. I just have to admit to myself that I am officially screwed and that being a mom on her own is impossible on Long Island. I make peanuts at my job...peanuts...for the amount of work I do there.

Nick's dad gives me child support every week but it's just not covering it. He is 34 and lives with his parents, sees Nick whenever it's convenient for him and pays me the minimum of what he can to help me raise Nick on my own. Sometimes i just want to shake him and tell him to wake the fuck up and give two shits about his son for once in his goddamn life! Nick is so freakin' wonderful and amazing...how can he not see it???? Ok, I am done now...gonna go watch a movie to distract myself from throwing the towel in.