So there seems to be a predominance of scared "baby men" on Long Island. Sometimes I wonder if it's the water, or the air, or maybe some strange fumes they breathed in as a child. I, for the life of me have not been able to meet a REAL man in the past two years since I moved back to Long Island. I sometimes wonder if it's me, maybe I am the one who has the problem? I start to think about it and for some reason my conclusion to that theory has come up null. I have tried with all my heart and soul to be the best person I can be, to be grounded, happy and available for love. Love just hasn't found me at all. I used to be someone who always had a boyfriend and a long term relationship. I had one when I lived upstate. I met an abundance of wonderful and emotionally capable men when I lived in Utica. There were a few who came in and out of my life who were amazing...and I was the one who passed them up. I wasn't ready to get married to anyone yet, I was 24. I met Dan and I didn't even think of marriage with him until the end, when he told me he didn't ever think he could marry anyone. That's when the walls tumbled in on me and I felt at a loss. I felt like I had wasted so many years trying to find the right one, when I had passed up about 3 who were amazing and I could of been happy with. Maybe Long Island is the payback for that...maybe I lost my chance?
I still think deep down that there is one man out there waiting for me. One man who is capable of loving me and my son. A man who doesnt run at the idea of being with a carefree, funny, sexy, loving, responsible, career driven woman who is also a full-time parent to a little boy. Who wouldn't really want that? How can that not be appealing in any way? I would find my situation more appealing then the typical long Island girls that are out there. Money hungry, pre madonna leaches who want nothing more then a daddy to take care of them and their drama driven party animal lives. It's all material bullshit to them. Is that really that appealing? I am at a loss with that one.
Sometimes you feel like your efforts are futile. Why is it that people don't see the problem when it is blatantly in front of them? I want to do so much, but it seems I get thrown to the side and disregarded. I want to help...will people just let me in?
Here is a depiction by a really awesome "single dad" author about what it is like when his son leaves his house to spend the weekend with his mom. He hit the feeling dead on....
“Loneliness is part of the single parent journey,” Peter says. “We only have ourselves to depend on, seldom have anyone to touch us, and when our children are away we are forced to gaze upon toys and clothes that haunt us by their stillness; bedrooms that feel more mausoleum-like rather than a place of joy.”
These are samples of the tattoos I designed for myself. When I have the money I am going to get it on my upper back. Which one is the best??