So I am going to have to go down to the Suffolk County offices this Friday to apply for temporary assistance. I never thought I would have to do that, but it looks like I will not be able to make my $1645.00 rent payment again this month since I only have $1,500.00 in my checking account. I haven't even been able to get Nick's school supplies (which will cost apprx. $60.00 like last year) and new school clothes.
I never had this problem last year...I always kept my head above water. I have survived here on the island for 2 years with no handouts from anyone. My mom occasionally has given me a few dollars here and there, but now things are at their worst.
I won't be able to go grocery shopping this week, again. I feel like such a leach calling my mom up every night asking what she is doing for dinner because I know I have little to make here and no freakin' money to but food. I go to the store to buy the littlest things and they cost so much! My blood pressure medication is like $30.00 a month with health insurance. Nick and his webkinz obsession has taken it's toll also and I can only blame myself for that.
To top everything off, I got hit with some bill from the IRS telling me I owe them $860.00 from my 2007 taxes from when I was on unemployment. They are saying that the unemployment office gave me more money then I put on my taxes (load of shit!). Now I have to pay this bill by Sept. 9th or they are going to tack on a $50.00 fee for every month I don't pay it.
I tried to move out of this apt. in June....I was looking for a cheaper place. I gave my apartment complex a 30 day notice informing them of my move and that I was going to opt out of my two year lease. They told me that I was supposed to give them a 60 day notice and that I was basically screwed and couldn't move until my 2 year was up next June without paying a 3 month penalty. So I am stuck here for another year paying this insane rent.
I am not complaining about my apartment. I love it here and I feel safe here for Nick and I. I really wanted to enroll Nick is Karate this fall but now I don't even think I can afford that.
I have been playing the lottery and wasting my fuckin' money trying to get rich quick so I can pay my goddamn bills. That's a waste of money in itself. I just have to admit to myself that I am officially screwed and that being a mom on her own is impossible on Long Island. I make peanuts at my job...peanuts...for the amount of work I do there.
Nick's dad gives me child support every week but it's just not covering it. He is 34 and lives with his parents, sees Nick whenever it's convenient for him and pays me the minimum of what he can to help me raise Nick on my own. Sometimes i just want to shake him and tell him to wake the fuck up and give two shits about his son for once in his goddamn life! Nick is so freakin' wonderful and amazing...how can he not see it???? Ok, I am done now...gonna go watch a movie to distract myself from throwing the towel in.
So I have always been obsessed with dragons....collecting figurines, drawing, viewing paintings about dragons. I always somehow wished in my mind that they were real and a part of our world...or maybe one day back in time they were. The dragon has always been a symbol to me, of my inner self. More the majestic type of dragon, guarding it's master and crystals then an evil dragon who longs to take control of the world. I wish I had the wings, power and majesty that the dragon posses. The flawless mystique and grace. Maybe one day we will discover that their once was dragons long ago. For now I just have my imagination.
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
by Maya Angelou
I just recently read an article by a man who has alot of insite on what it's like to date a single mom. He basically hit the nail on the head with every point, good and bad. But alas, every relationship has it's good and it's bad.
Here is the article. Enjoy!
http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_60/73_dating_tips.html
Hiding
I hid you inside my mind
When they came to find you
I didn't let them in
Because no one can touch me
Now that I live in your smile
Show me the earth and stars
I never cared before
Before my world knew yours
Before my eyes knew you
Jump in the garden
What did I see
Black eyed angels
Swim with me
I ran for the stars
and I struck out
Of all the things I used to be
All my love is withered inside me
Drawing past the future
We all were terrible
when there was nothing to fear
Nothing died
...can go suck a nut! I am not paying $800 back for my 2007 tax return that they screwed up on. Noway, nohow!
Ok..some people have brought it to my attention that my previous post sounded too anti-long island. I do like long island, i really do. I will be here for another few years. It's basically the monetary reasons. But that is a struggle for everyone here. If they just got rid of the status and lowered housing costs...most of us could thrive comfortably. Ok...said my peace. LOL
Ok, I have a dream. I hope that my life eventually will go in this direction. I want to move down south. Possibly Charleston, SC or a similar location. Long Island has been "getting old" for a long time now. I am done here. I am done with the endless stream of cars, costly homes and apartments, pretentiousness, status, rat race....I am not meant to live here for the rest of my life. Why my parents stayed for all these years, just amazes me. Here is just a few examples of why South Carolina is more my style. Will it ever happen for me? Will N
ick know what its like to live comfortably without the constant worry if Mommy can pay for his toys and clothes? Will we ever be able to walk outside and see palm trees and spanish moss gardens? I hope the future will hold that for us. This is just one of my goals for myself and my son.
So I have decided to start my own blog. I never thought I would be the type to do it. I just have alot on my mind as of late and need to get it off my chest. I would like people who don't know me that well, to understand who I am, where I have been, and where I am going in my life. I love expressing myself, and I feel that typing up my feelings is the best way I can do it at this point in my life. I am frustrated with everything, just like most people are, but I guess my perspective can be a little unique in comparison to most women my age. I want to share that with you. I hope you enjoy my blog and what is to come. Thanks.